express yourself

someone at work once asked me on how do i can get to be so bold and straightforward when i want to express my thoughts. i can't answer her question right away because i don't find myself to be one. but then she was not the only one who told me that. it makes me wonder.. have i changed or is it because people around me tend to not show off what they think because they're afraid of what consequences it may follow?

i know that i used to be a shy and quiet girl. i don't ask too many questions because i mostly analyze them and try to figure things out by myself. i don't open my mouth if i find something that's not right, cuz i was afraid. i was afraid that my comments would sound stupid. i think sometimes it still happens. for me to comment on something, usually will take a couple of minutes deciding whether i should say it or not. never instantly. but then i got to learn that i need to start trying to express myself spontaneously. and i know i get the opportunity to learn about it when i was still in new york.

new york is the place that if you don't speak up, you'll be shut out for most of the time. so over the years, i accustomed myself to speak up so my voice can be heard.. even though i still find it not to the extreme of other new yorkers. unfortuntely, it's bold enough among the asians, particularly among indonesians. i'm not really sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but i know that it does me good so far. all i know that you should be able to express what you think, how you feel and what you want. ironically, it's not something that i learn from home.

as many other indonesian families, i grew up in a family that expressing oneself was never taught specifically. i wonder why, but i think that's how parents in their generations were. i notice that this have changed a bit as i'm seeing young parents thought their kids to express themselves more easily... just like saying "i love you" to each other. i grew up in a family that we don't say "i love you" to each other. the feeling is granted and taken in between the fine lines. i grew up in a family that don't hug each other, though it doesn't mean that we are warm towards each other. i grew up in a family that crying is probably the only expression we can come up with.. even that is because we got punished for some wrongdoings. i grew up in a family that we don't tell each other how we feel and we don't talk about personal things to each other. in a way, i feel this quite annoying, but coming from this family.. i understand.

changing things that's been done for years is quite a hard thing to do, but luckily, i had the opportunity to see how others are living their lives, even on the other side of the world. and i want to pick out the positive things from it. i want to be able to say "i love you" as much as i can to my loved ones.. my (future) husband, my (future) kids.. i want to be able to hug them to show them i love them. i want to be able to say anything and they would listen because that's what family is for. i want to be able to do that someday.

my family is not perfect... but from them, i learn new things and one day, i want to look them in the eyes and say.. "thank you for teaching me things.. and i love you for the way you are"...

you feel it, you say it.. just express it! it's better off than keeping it inside cuz you see.. wouldn't you rather share it than keep it bottle up inside??